22 THINGS A NRI DOES........

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US"

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes. 21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel. 20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious. 19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath. 18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'. 17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi". Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds". Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi". Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate". Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit". Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway". Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go". Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four) 16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out. 15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs) 14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 48 times). 13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket. 12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed) 11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!" 10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions. 9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag". 8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff. 7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke. 6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time. 5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule". 4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food. Few more important 3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival. 2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads. Ultimate one: 1.. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

COOL INSULTS PART 2

REFRESHMENTS: 1. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. 2. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle! 3. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you. 4. He is living proof that man can live without a brain! 5. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know. 6. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. 7. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night! 8. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? 9. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty. 10. How would you like to feel the way you look? 11. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you? 12. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years? 13. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly. 14. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me. 15. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. 16. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? 17. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me! 18. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all. 19. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse? 20. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

DEATH

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell." "I don't know!" she flounders. "Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity." "Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already." She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven. The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan. Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine. After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip. After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people. At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity. The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Well, have you made your decision?" He asks. "I've decided on hell," she announces. "So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell. Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade. "What happened!" She exclaimed. "Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES...?

REFRESHMENTS: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'

JAMES BOND STYLE

REFRESHMENTS: Here check out the " James Bond Style " . My telegu comrades to remain unruffled . As Charlie Chaplin says " In the end its all a gag " The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself . First he says Bond, then smiles and says James Bond. Needless to say the style is charming and delectable however he doesn't quite augur the consequences when he meets our great south indian guy. When Bond meets a hyderabadi spy the following could be envisaged : James Bond : " The name's Bond... James Bond." . And you are ? Telugu Guy :"I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai... Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai..... Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai.... Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....

BUSH GETS QUESTIONED......NICE ONE

REFRESHMENTS: George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob". "And what is your question, Bob?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Bush says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, where is "Bob"?!!

TWO - COW THEORY

REFRESHMENT: A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

COOL INSULTS PART 1

REFRESHMENTS: 1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! 2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? 3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? 4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks? 5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face! 6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing. 7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head! 8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you. 9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? 10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents! 11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent! 12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? 13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent! 14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you? 15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain! 16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them. 17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning. 18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed! 19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in. 20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

ENGINEER JOKE

REFRESHMENT: Software engineer and his wife Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks? Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree. Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - OH god! forget it where's your salary. Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping. Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you. Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless. Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot. Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life? Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your computer? Husband - Too many parameters. Wife - I will go to my dad's house. Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close. Wife - I will leave you forever. Husband - close all programs and log out for another User. Wife - it is worthless talking to you. Husband - shut down the computer. Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

CONTINUING JOKES....

REFRESHMENT: A new boss was hired for a bigshot company. Since the workers there had a slight reputation for being ruthless and wandery, he decided that it was his job to show them all that he wasn't Mr. Fun Guy. So the first day of work, he goes down to the worker offices. He decides to fire the worker who seems the most lackadaisical. He spots a worker just leaning against the wall twiddling his thumbs. "YOU" he yells. Everyone peeps over to watch. "How much money do you make a month" he asks "ohhhh about 200$" the worker says. The boss shoves him 200$ and yells "HERE'S A WEEK'S PAY. NOW GET OUT OF HERE. YOU DON'T WORK HARD AND I DON'T WANT THAT!!!" The worker grabs the money and runs off. He looks around to make sure that everyone gets the point. Next, the boss goes up to the closest employee and asks, "Who was that guy???" and the employee says, "Pizza delivery boy."

STILL THINKING

REFRESHMENT: 1. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 2. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 3. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 4. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. 5. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. 6. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 7. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. 8. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. 9. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. 10. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

THINKING A LOT

REFRESHMENT: 1.Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving. 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash. 5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it. 9. True friends stab you in the front. 10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

JOKES 2 REFRESH YOU

REFRESHMENT: Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. ~~~~~~ Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs? Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone. ~~~~~~ Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop? Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer:No, I can't. Waiter:Then does it really matter? ~~~~~~ Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

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JOKES TO REFRESH YOU

Refresh yourselves: o Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. o It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. o A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband. o Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

JOKES TO REFRESH U

REFRESHMENT Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much. ~~~~~~ Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card. ~~~~~~~~~ Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard? ~~~~~~~ Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. ~~~~~~~~

JOKES 4 YOU

REFRESHMENT: Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born. ~~~~~~~~~ Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing? ~~~~~~~